funeral clothes

[adrian_turtle]

What with the pandemic and not driving and all, my recent experience of funerals is limited. My experience of funerals outside my local (very informal) social group is particularly limited. So I'm asking the rest of you, particularly midwesterners.

Do women wear suits to funerals? I know it's the kind of event where a suit is appropriate, but if a woman shows up in a skirt and sweater is that inappropriate?

My mom's twin sister lives in Columbus, which is too far away for my mom to travel in her current state of health. My uncle is in failing health, and yesterday morning it looked like he was about to die of pneumonia and parkinsons disease and stubbornness. Last night he started breathing better and we hope he will make a good recovery. But for a little while, I thought I'd need to rush off to Ohio right away to support my aunt at his deathbed until their sons could get there and then to be at the funeral and oh no what can I wear? It's wonderful not to have a funeral today! But I just realized I want to be there when the time comes, and support my aunt, and that will be necessary one of these days.

I don't know if I should wear my dark gray skirt and black sweater, or go shopping because nothing else fits? Most of the family has suits, because they're men, and/or because they spend significant time in formal business or social settings.

Comments

[jenett]

My experience of this is that it depends a bit on the formality of the funeral/relevant customs.

But black sweater and dark grey skirt sound entirely appropriate here. (I would never wear a suit, because I never wear suits, but I do have a range of black dresses in my closet for other reasons, and would consider an equivalently presentable top/skirt to be the same thing. By that I mean stuff like the overall cut/design, on the upper edge of business casual - not exposing a lot of skin at neckline or shoulders, opaque fabric with some weight to it, no gaudy details. But that's partly my preppy-influenced New Englander showing.)

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you! I don't even know where the upper edge of business casual is anymore. For the world I usually live in, my clothes from Deva or Svaha are as dressy as I need. But I feel like I'm visiting another world. One where I have "let myself go."

[jenett]

Business casual is also a moving target! I do think a lot of it comes down to cut and fabric (or at least, hitting those gives you a fair bit of leeway.)

I live in a lot of Lands End t-shirts and cardigans, which are right about that line often (knit fabric rather than woven - I cannot deal with the non-stretch of woven mostly - but denser fabric, solid colors, shoulders covered, not too much chest, etc.) The Svaha cuts would mostly do it, except for the prints.

[naomikritzer]

A skirt and sweater is perfectly acceptable for a funeral, provided that they are in dark/subdued colors.

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you, that's reassuring.

[anne]

Agreeing that dark skirt/sweater is fine. (I'm not sure I'd wear a baggy fisherman-type thing, but a plain pullover? yes.)

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you, this is all reassuring. I have a variety of plain black pullovers in sizes up to 15 pounds ago, and finding another should be much, much, easier than finding anything formal that fits.

[evalerie]

Another vote that a skirt and sweater sounds fine.

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you!

[mrissa]

A skirt and sweater is well within norms for the vast majority of funerals, and the few that have some expectation other than "semiformal clothes in subdued colors" need to say so or not get offended (or ideally say so AND not get offended). A skirt and sweater will not read as disrespectful.

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you. The problem is that if I ask any female relative close to the situation, she will tell me, "Oh, sweetie! You don't have a black suit? Everyone needs a black suit. You should go shopping. Don't worry, I'll be happy to pay for it." The problem is not that I can't afford a new suit. The problem is that shopping for one that will fit my current body is an hideously daunting task.

[mrissa]

If it warms up, a skirt and a blouse will also be fine, if you have that, or a dress, if you have that. Also slacks and a sweater or slacks and a blouse, if someone else is reading these replies for their own benefit and doesn't incline skirtwards.

[mrissa]

And yes, I spent my 20s talking my mother out of being that person, I totally get it. At this point she would die a thousand deaths before "everyone needs a black suit," but there was a time. I really do understand.

[evalerie]

This is the first time I've heard that everybody is "supposed to" own a black suit. I don't have one and have never felt the need for one. For whatever that's worth!

[evalerie]

Then again, in my profile picture I'm wearing a cotton tie-dyed dress at my middle kid's college graduation. So maybe I'm not the best source of fashion advice? Though I thought the tie-dyed dress was perfect there and I absolutely would choose it again.

[adrian_turtle]

A friend from synagogue said, "Oh, this is a your mother question, not a funeral question." She's right, even though the question encompasses my aunt who is less judgemental about clothes than my mother (everyone is), but who gossips so comprehensively I'm a little surprised she didn't tell you all the details of her grandson's bar mitzvah.

I mean specifically you=Valerie, whom she met once in 1992.

[jss]

What they said. Assuming dark colors, reasonable fit, and reasonable length, a sweater and skirt combo is perfectly acceptable.

[adrian_turtle]

Thank you! Good to see you here again.

[silveradept]

As above, with the understanding that there would probably be more complaints about skirt length than color, so if you have options to choose from, choose the longest one that's not a tripping hazard to you, and in something suitably somber.

[adrian_turtle]

Heh. My mother tends to complain that my skirts are unfashionably long. (As is my hair, though one of my comrades cut it for me last fall and it no longer tangles in my waistband.) As my mother will be 200 miles from this event, I am not only not shaving my legs, I am Not. Worrying. About. It.

[silveradept]

As is your prerogative. Sounds like you are already well-equipped, then.

[conuly]

What's inappropriate is going to a funeral and judging what other people wear. The mourners are supposed to be focused on their grief, and the assumption is supposed to be that if somebody is dressed oddly it's because they didn't have the right clothes and were too busy grieving to buy new things.

You do not need to go shopping unless this is something you'd like to do anyway.

[evalerie]

I love you, Conuly! So much agreement here!!!!

[lcohen]

not that you need another person to weigh in to agree, but yes, subdued color skirt and sweater are fine--lots of people don't have black suits. me, for example--i have one suit and it's navy blue and frankly, if that's what i had to wear, i think that would also be fine as long as i didn't give it a splash of color with a pink blouse or something.

[adrian_turtle]

More reassurance is good! This century it seems like I buy a suit, wear it once or twice, and then 5 years later it doesn't fit anymore. I'm self-conscious about that, more than I was when I was thinner. So it's nice to hear such a big chorus telling me it doesn't matter if I present myself exactly right and wear exactly the right costume because expectations are just not that rigid.